A Mad Tea Party
by auntiemaim
Summary: The Joker invites The Riddler over for a business discussion over tea and cake, but the situation quickly devolves into chaos. Yeah, it's absurd. What else would you expect?


A circus tent had been erected in the middle of the central warehouse, it's purple and green-striped canvas walls reaching toward the ceiling. A soft, old-timey jazz melody played from within, the ancient recording making the singer's voice sound tinny, yet not unpleasant.

Upon entering the tent, one would see that the music was coming from the scalloped mouth of an old gramophone. The tent's interior was draped with brightly-colored fabric, the walls hung with harlequin masks, and at the very center of the tent, sat a long table. It practically groaned under the weight of the goodies that littered it's surface. It held a variety of brightly-colored petit fours and other cakes, fruit tarts and croissants, teetering stacks of plates holding all sorts of tiny sandwiches, candied fruit on skewers designed to look like huge sprays of flowers and several teapots, all in the shape of clown's heads.

All in all, Joker was rather pleased with how ludicrous a display he had managed to create. He was currently seated in a large chair at one end of the table, sipping daintily at a cup of tea. He had already helped himself to a few of the cakes and if that damned clue hound didn't show up soon, he was going to tuck in to the sandwiches.

Edward Nygma strolled into the surprisingly unguarded warehouse. He was wearing his favorite forest green velvet smoking jacket complete with sparkling emerald question marks and a light green silk cravat speckled with black question marks. His trousers were crushed green velvet and were pleasantly accented by green wingtips. His usual bowler hat was perched jauntily on his head while purple gloved hands gripped a question mark cane.

Entering the tent, he arched his eyebrows at the ridiculous carnival decor and smirking, he shook his head. _Distastefully outrageous as usual_, he thought, yet still amused.

"Riddle me this," Riddler said, pointing his cane at Joker, his voice carrying over the tinny phonograph music. "I can be cracked, I can be made. I can be told, I can be played. What am I?"

"A complete dick?" Joker quipped over his tea cup and smirked.

He took a sip, his pinky finger extended in the air, then set the cup back down and began to load a plate with sandwiches. As he did, he glanced up to Riddler and nodded to one of the chairs.

"Take a load off, Eddie. Harley really outdid herself here. She actually made ten different kinds of sandwiches, eight different kinds of tart, and fifteen different cakes. If I didn't know better, I'd swear she was on speed."

He wolfed down a dainty sandwich and picked up another, grinning at Riddler before he took a bite.

"And to answer your question - a joke - much like yourself. Now, tell me this, how is a raven like a writing desk?"

"How is a raven like a writing desk? Depends on the answer you're looking for: the original, the afterthought, or the popular interpretation."

Smirking, Eddie took a seat at the opposite head of the long table. He inspected one of the hideous clown faced teapots before pouring a cup and adding cream and sugar.

"Where did you manage to find such ugly teapots? The Salvation Army?" Eddie sneered, sipping his tea. "Or were you dumpster diving again?"

Joker smirked and picked at the sandwich in his hand, pulling a corner of the bread back and sniffing at the contents.

"Guess I shouldn't have picked a multiple choice one."

His smirk widened into a full grin as he looked up to Riddler.

"Since that one was so easy, let me give you a better one. What starts with a T, ends with a T, and may or may not have poison in it?"

Riddler's eyes bulged as tea spurted out of his nose and all over the table. The teacup dropped from his hand and shattered on the floor. He scrambled for his handkerchief, dabbing at his face.

"You fiend!" Edward sputtered, his eyes tearing from the tea still dripping from his nostrils. He quickly examined his hands and table for any signs of suspicious sizzling. When he realized he had just been made a joke, he scowled.

"I could have ruined my fabulous smoking jacket! This velvet is _obviously_ dry clean only. And the emerald question marks? They didn't come cheaply!"

Joker laughed so hard, bits of chewed sandwich flew from his mouth and across his end of the table. He smacked one hand against the table top, still snickering, before reaching out for a candied fruit skewer. He chomped on a glassy strawberry, then waved the skewer in Riddler's direction.

"I only said 'may', you dolt. Honestly, Edward, give me some credit. Why on Earth would I poison you this early in the game? What's the fun in that?"

Edward's scowl turned into a disgusted grimace watching mushed up food splatter the table. He grabbed a skewer of candied fruit and pointed it at Joker.

"You and your confounded jokes!" He jabbed the air violently with the skewer, emphasizing each word. "You are the most-"

The force with which Edward had stabbed the air was such that the skewer had slipped out of his hand, sailed over the towering stacks of crumpets, and swiped the side of Joker's face.

Joker's head whipped to the side and his laughter died abruptly. Riddler stared on in horror as the clown gradually righted himself in his seat, one hand to the side of his face, eyes narrowed in Riddler's direction. When he took his hand away, the tips of his fingers came away bloody. His eyes bulged with fury as he glared down the table at Nygma. Joker's right cheek was coated with fruit glaze and blood.

"Did you just throw a skewer of glazed fruit at my fucking face?"

Before Riddler could reply or make any kind of apology, Joker had vaulted up onto the table with a vicious snarl of rage. He lunged along its surface, paying no mind to what he was stepping on and sending towers of cakes and sandwiches spilling to the floor. Teapots went flying, spilling their contents before exploding on the ground.

Once at the other end of the table, he grabbed hold of Riddler's lapels and pulled him from his chair, Joker's face seething in his and coating him in a light froth of enraged spittle. With his face this close, Riddler could see the shallow cut in Joker's cheek beneath the candy glaze and blood.

"You threw a skewer... at my face... Edward!"

Edward gaped in shock as Joker stomped across the table, food and plates flying haphazardly. He certainly hadn't meant to skewer Joker's face, despite the clown deserving it for making him look like an ass. Joker wrenched him from his chair by his lapels, shoving their faces close together. The cut was barely a scratch, truth be told.

"Ugh, you need a breath mint," Edward gagged, squirming away from the clown's gaping maw. "Besides, it was a clearly an accident."

He pried Joker's hands from his lapels and reached into his jacket, pulling out a small first aid kit. He removed an antibacterial wipe and a green question mark bandaid, offering them.

"Do you want a lollipop too?"

Joker glared at the proffered first aid items and stood up, the fact that he was still on the table lending him an even more menacing air as the height to which he stretched made him seem twelve feet tall. This air of menace was decidedly lessened by the fact that he was standing directly in the middle of a hot pink frosted cake.

Still glaring, Joker stooped to pick up a teapot that had managed not to be kicked from the table during his mad dash down its length. Joker finally grinned as he upended its contents onto the Riddler, soaking his fabulous clothing in luke warm tea.

Once drained, Joker tossed the teapot carelessly over his shoulder.

"Accidents _will_ happen, won't they, Edward?"

The brim of Riddler's bowler hat only held so much liquid before it overflowed. Edward's mouth opened and closed a few times as rivulets of tea streamed down his face. The velvet of his smoking jacket sucked up the liquid and stained immediately. His mouth snapped shut suddenly, his jaw locking and his eyes boring holes into Joker's.

Edward stood up very slowly. His eyes never leaving the clown's, he peeled off his gloves and stuffed them into his pocket. His bare hand closed over a hunk of the pink frosted cake.

"Yes...I daresay accidents _will_ happen, Joker," Edward replied grimly.

He brought up his hand and smeared the hot pink frosted cake over the front of Joker's shirt.

"Oops."

Dear God! His favorite teal blue silk shirt! No amount of dry cleaning would take that pink out!

"This is my favorite shirt, you dick!"

Joker went apoplectic and dove at Nygma. He bodily struck Riddler with such force that the chair flew backward and the two men tumbled to the ground. Joker scrambled to his feet, pulling Riddler up with him. He cackled madly as he grasped Riddler by the back of his jacket and dragged him along the table's surface, scattering the remaining objects in all directions.

Once at the other end, he released Nygma, smoothed his hair back, and flopped back into his chair, picking up his tea cup and taking another dainty sip as though nothing had happened.

Joker reacted so swiftly that Riddler could only gasp in surprise as he was dragged headlong through sandwiches, scones, and petit fours. If his velvet and emerald smoking jacket had been salvageable before, now it was beyond hope.

"And this is my favorite jacket, you cretin!" Riddler howled, coming to an abrupt stop. He scrambled to feet and hopped off the table while Joker sipped at his tea. Looking at horror from the clown to his ruined jacket and back up at Joker, his eyes bulged.

"The table. Is not. A. Slip-n-Slide," he hissed, his hands clenching and unclenching.

"It isn't?" Joker looked alarmed. "But you looked like you were having so much fun!"

His eyes narrowed then as he smirked over the edge of his tea cup and took a bite from its side, munching noisily as Nygma gaped in horror.

"Oh, settle down, Eddie," Joker remarked snidely. "It's candy! I'm not so crazy that I'd start munching tea cups. Or am I? Who knows? Maybe I am."

He sighed and tossed the half-eaten cup aside, then slid forward in his chair and began to pick through the debris of smashed cakes and sandwiches, trying to find something that hadn't been crushed or stepped on. Oh, dear - all of Harley's hard work shot all to hell. Joker couldn't help but laugh. He gave Riddler a sidelong glance as he fished a sandwich out from under a pile of broken crockery.

"You know, Eddie - all of that frosting has really improved your outfit. Gave you some nice, bright splashes of color. Most of the time you look like a confused leprechaun. I did you a favor."

Edward was so enraged that he was shaking more than Michael J. Fox having a seizure. First the poison gag, then the tea shower, and at last the mad tea party tea was drying to a pale brown crust on the velvet of his jacket. His light green silk cravat was stained a nauseating shade of orange. All in all, he looked as though a rainbow had vomited on him. It was enough to drive a madman sane. His hand dove into his jacket and pulled out a Colt .45 revolver with a silver question mark on the handle. He cocked it and pointed it at Joker's head, his hand now deadly still.

"A favor? A FUCKING FAVOR?" Edward roared. "THE QUESTION MARKS DON'T MEAN I'M CONFUSED, THEY MEAN YOU'RE CONFUSED! NOW TAKE IT BACK!"

Joker took a bite of the sandwich in his hand and glanced at the revolver, one corner of his mouth twitching upward as he chewed. He chewed slowly, eying the barrel of the gun with plain disinterest. Abruptly, he stopped chewing and spat out a piece of broken dish, then glanced up to Riddler's face.

"You're gonna shoot me, Diddles?" he asked, as he opened his sandwich and picked out a few more pieces of broken porcelain. "You look like an ass every day of your life and you're going to shoot me for this one time? That didn't even happen in public?"

He scoffed and shook his head as he finished the sandwich. "Seems like someone's got a little bit of a self-esteem problem."

Edward's eyes narrowed. _What the hell is wrong with him_, he thought irately. He paused, suspicious. Then he suddenly uncocked the revolver and placed it back inside his jacket pocket. He wiped his hands on his pant legs and smoothed his hair back.

"I never look like an ass, thank you very much," Riddler sneered. "Someone sounds jealous of my ruggedly handsome good looks."

"Ruggedly handsome good looks?" Joker's voice was filled with amusement as he stopped fishing for salvageable tarts and glanced in Nygma's direction.

He regarded Riddler, looking him up and down before throwing back his head and howling with laughter.

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Are you serious? Oh, honey - you're not quite Quasimodo, but I wouldn't go so far as to say ruggedly handsome. Actually, I wouldn't go anywhere near saying you're ruggedly handsome."

He continued to giggle as he found a tart and nibbled at it, still snickering as he chewed.

"I, on the other hand, am devastatingly handsome. Dare I say, god-like?" He paused and seemed to think about it. "Oh, yeah. I dare, baby!"

Joker went back to eating his tart, muttering to himself with that same amused tone. "Ruggedly handsome... you kidder."

Edward jumped back several feet as Joker cackled and sank into a chair halfway down the table. He pushed a mess of shattered plates and smushed sandwiches to clear a space in front of him, not caring as the detritus fell off the table. At Joker's pronouncement of "god-like" it was Riddler's turn to laugh.

"HA! "God-like"? You've been dallying with Maxie too much," Edward replied sourly, picking up a watercress sandwich that had somehow survived and biting into it.

"I have a princely pulchritude that far surpasses your repulsive mug."

Joker scoffed and waggled a new sandwich in Riddler's direction.

"Your princely pulchritude is positively pathetic, Diddles. If you want to make this a competition of desirability between us - of sheer sex appeal and ability to dazzle the ladies - you're going to fall far short."

Edward raised one eyebrow and smirked.

"It's obvious there is _no_ competition of desirability between us. I mean, come now, you're a murderous clown and I'm a dapper gentleman of the utmost class."

"Oh, puh-lease," Joker sneered. "You call me a murderous clown like it's something to be ashamed of. This murderous clown would be eyeballs deep in willing playmates if it wasn't for their fear that my homicidal ball and chain would garrot them with their own intestines if they so much as winked at me."

He barely regarded Riddler as he stood up and began to root around in the debris for an unsullied teapot.

"You're as much of a dapper gentleman as Mr. Peanut. And you're about as attractive."

Joker finally managed to locate a teapot in the shape of a Red Skellingtonesque clown head, but was unable to find a tea cup. Shrugging, he simply tipped it up and drank directly from the spout.

"Mr. Peanut wears a monocle, dummy," Edward frowned, folding his arms and resting them on the table. "The analogy applies to Oswald, not me."

He crinkled his nose as Joker lapped tea directly from a teapot.

"At least _I_ have table manners. And I've recently been described as a better looking James Franco."

"Your mom wears a monocle, ass!" Joker seethed as he slammed down the teapot. He sighed deeply and shook his head, exasperated with the whole affair.

"Look, obviously neither one of us is going to concede as to who's prettier. You're clearly deluded about that baboon's ass you call a face and you'll never admit I'm the sexiest bitch in town. We're just going to run in circles about it."

Joker gave another sigh and dropped into the seat opposite Riddler, his fingers drumming rapidly. They'd never decide this between them and quite frankly, it was beginning to drive him insane. Well... more insane. Suddenly, he had an idea.

"I know! We can bring in an impartial third party! Take the Battle of the Brawn to the man in the street!"

Edward grinned smugly to see Joker's frustration. The clown was clearly flustered by his excruciating beauty and Eddie loved it. He'd win the prettiest princess award any day over Joker, without a doubt.

"Then let's go outside, shall we?" Edward pushed his chair back and stood up, futilely attempting to wipe the tea party from his front. He tucked his question mark cane under his arm.

"Absolutely no threatening any impartial passersby. And no bribing them either. I am more than familiar with your penchant for cheating, though god knows no amount of cheating will lessen the fact that I'm the clear winner."

Joker waved off Riddler's comments as they left the tent and headed toward an outer door.

"Yeah, yeah - no threats. Whatever. It's not like I'd need to threaten them, anyway."

They were a ridiculous sight as they made their way down an alley and to the main roadway. Joker's hair was slightly askew and contained fragments of sandwich and crumbled pastry shell. There was hot pink frosting staining the front of his shirt and coating his shoes and spats. Riddler didn't fare much better with his coat and cravat soaked in tea and a mishmash of various foodstuffs smeared down the length of his body. It was clear that both of them had forgotten their appearance despite the argument they were attempting to have decided.

As they stepped from the alley and onto the sidewalk, an old woman pulling a wheeled shopping basket gaped at them for a few seconds before spinning around and hobbling away in the opposite direction.

Riddler scowled at Joker as the old woman scuttled away.

"Look what you did, your hideous appearance frightened our first potential judge!"

His eyes swept up and down the street. _Hmm, middle aged businessman, no, too boring; a couple of grade schoolers, no, too creepy..._ The sound of heels clicking on pavement broke his thoughts. Coming around the same corner from which the old woman had disappeared was a pretty young woman in a miniskirt, zebra print kitten heels, and over-sized sunglasses. Edward pulled his face into a smirk and elbowed Joker.

"I think we have a winner."

"Now we're cookin' with gas!" Joker leered as he ran his fingers through his hair, trying to shake out crumbs, but only managing to smear them into his pomade.

He swaggered toward the young woman, Riddler hot at his heels. The girl was speaking rapidly into a cell phone, but as they approached her, her conversation paused.

"Um... yeah... I'm, like, gonna have to call you back I think? I'm being, like, accosted or something?"

She flipped her phone shut and wrinkled her nose at them, the expression on her face a combination of annoyance, boredom, and disgust.

"Is there, like, something you want or something?"

Edward cleared his throat and tipped his hat at the girl.

"Pardon me, but my associate and I are having quite the disagreement and were hoping you might oblige us with your honest opinion on the matter."

The girl raised an eyebrow and actually tapped her foot impatiently. "Is this gonna take long? I'm like, busy and stuff."

Riddler stifled a nasty comment about her unbecoming attitude and plastered what he thought was a friendly smile on his face.

"Not at all, my dear. Simply put, which one of us do you find more attractive?"

The girl gaped at both of them momentarily and then laughed obnoxiously.

"Neither of you are like buff enough," she answered. "But you look a little better than your friend. He needs like more sun or something."

"More su..." Joker started in disbelief. "Listen, you little nimrod, this complexion isn't from a lack of sun. It's the result of a chemical bath. And speaking of chemical baths..."

His hand disappeared into his coat and grasped the bulb that connected to the flower in his lapel. Before he could squirt the rude little debutante with acid, Riddler had lurched against him. The stream went wide, spraying a nearby newspaper rack and melting it to ruins.

"Are you fucking serious?" The girl staggered backward in shock, finally betraying some type of real emotion other than apathetic disinterest, then spun around and hightailed it in the other direction.

Joker growled and tugged at the bottom of his coat, brushing crumbs from the front, and adjusting his sleeves.

"That one doesn't count," he spat, scowling as Nygma snickered openly. "She was clearly retarded!"

"It _does_ count. Stop being a sore loser," Edward chuckled, watching the girl run away. "You're just jealous because even a retard can see that I'm more delectable than you."

Edward took his sunglasses out of his pocket and grinned.

"Well, competition's done. I win. I think I'll just be on my way now. Thanks for the refreshments."

"You did not win!" Joker shouted after Riddler, as the erstwhile detective turned and began to walk back the way they had come, waving a hand cheerily over his shoulder. Snarling in annoyance, Joker caught up to him.

"Best two out of three! That was ludicrous! How could the opinion of that pin-headed nincompoop really count for anything? She was barely paying attention."

Riddler just smiled at Joker with practiced nonchalance as they reached his car. He tipped his hat and slipped inside. Joker stood by, scowling, arms folded indignantly across his chest. Nygma started the car, grinned at Joker, gave him another cheerful little wave, and drove away. Before he was out of distance, Joker growled and picked a nearby beer bottle out of the gutter, throwing it with all his might. It arced gracefully through the air, just missing Nygma's rear bumper.

"Fffffffffffffffuck!"


End file.
